Trying for Baby #2

My IVF needles, a lucky & loved onesie, a pregnancy test, an IVF procedure armband, an ultrasound picture, and a headband and bracelet from my first baby that I wore for good luck

SHORT VERSION:

My spouse Mark and I wanted two children when we began trying to become parents nine years ago, but infertility made that dream uncertain. I am happy to say, thanks to my workplace finally offering infertility benefits that allowed me to do IVF again, I’m pregnant with our second child. She’s due in February 2023, a few weeks after my 40th birthday.

LONGER VERSION:

When I went off birth control pills right before I turned 30, my spouse Mark and I planned on parenting two children, one biological and one who came to us through adoption. The next 4.5 years were hell-ish in our efforts to have those children and after many failed attempts — including a devastating failed adoption and two miscarriages from in vitro fertilization (IVF) — we were so lucky and happy to have our IVF rainbow baby ES. Notably, we only could afford this expensive process because of the great benefits at Mark’s new Boston-based job.

Even when I was pregnant with my baby, I felt sad some days as I wondered if we’d ever get our second baby. After my now 4-year-old child ES was born, I stayed off birth control, hoping that I’d get pregnant naturally; other women with initial infertility had that experience. I did not.

ES was born with three rare diseases and a disability and it would take a few years before I’d feel I had the time and energy for the intensive IVF process that was clearly needed to have a child again, and by then, Mark had changed jobs. We didn’t have infertility coverage anymore.

Last year, when ES was three years old and I was 38, I often felt sad thinking that the opportunity for a second child had passed. I tried to convince myself that our one wonderful child would be enough. But I couldn’t help feeling sad when I saw friends announce 2nd and 3rd pregnancies or give birth again. I felt sad when my period showed up each month. I felt sad when I saw photos in the imperforate anus support groups of supportive siblings helping each other. I felt sad thinking about how much I love my two sisters and how my child would never have that sibling experience.

Last fall, ES began saying he wished there were ‘other kids in our family,’ and it broke my heart that I couldn’t provide a sibling for him. I organized more (distanced, outdoors) outings with neighbors and play dates with his preschool friends, but it felt like only a partial fix.

Coincidentally, a few weeks later, I learned that my workplace would FINALLY offer infertility benefits in 2022. They were not as generous as Mark’s workplace’s had been when we had ES (indeed, we’ve still had to pay around $10k out of pocket), but it was enough coverage that we could try.

Last December, Mark and I had many discussions about a second child. Yes, we wanted one, but was it realistic? Would ES’s health improve after an upcoming ostomy surgery? Would he be able to do more of his own care in the coming year, care that was needed every 3–4 hours and once overnight? Would COVID-19 dissipate? What would we do if we had two children with health issues? Could we manage it all and both of our jobs?

I kept saying I thought I’d regret not trying if I had this chance, and so Mark agreed to at least take the first few steps to see if it was possible. As soon as it was January and my new benefits began, I did a consult with a new clinic (CCRM) and we did fertility testing again. The doctor thought we had a good chance, so in February, I began the process for a mid-March egg retrieval.

Attending my first appointment at CCRM, 5 days after I turned 39 years old.

Then on Feb. 28, ES had a horrible health issue, and he quickly went from the ER to the ICU for a few days. He needed an ostomy surgery ASAP. As the days wore on, I wondered, should I still proceed with IVF? If I stopped the process, I’d have wasted some of my medicine, money and time, and I would have to wait weeks to start all over. Ultimately, I didn’t want to do that.

Prepping for my first hormone shot while caring for baby #1 at the hospital. There’s no privacy in the hospital rooms as people come in and out all the time, so the nurses quickly learned I was doing IVF.

When I lay awake on a hospital bed next to ES and wondered how I could care for him and a baby, over and over and over my heart said, I want my two babies. I want ES to have a sibling. I want to try. And so, I kept going.

We decided to at least see if we’d have any viable embryos. At the very end of his stay and during his home recovery, I started a period of intensive doctor visits and hormone shots. The day of my egg retrieval was less than 1.5 weeks after ES was home from the hospital and I had 38 eggs extracted from my body. Then, I had a month off, and we were shocked to learn from lab testing that we had six possibly viable embryos!! This was a better result than when I was 34 years old.

In May, ES’s health was much better and we decided to keep proceeding. I began my next round of protocol to prepare my body for the embryo transfer. Then, ES had THREE COVID-19 exposures at his preschool and the neighborhood in the days before my transfer. We had to keep testing him and me daily. I wasn’t sure until the morning of, when he had a negative test again, if I would be able to proceed. It was so stressful.

On my way to the fertility clinic to get pregnant! I never thought I’d be here @ 39 years old.

The day of the transfer, for good luck, I wore the dress I bought for ES’s recent 4th birthday, a headband ES gave me for Mother’s Day and bracelet he made me last summer. IVF felt different this time because I knew it could work — my proof was him. And the stakes were different, if it didn’t work, I still had him. But I also wanted this baby — and I didn’t want to go through miscarriages. I feared going through miscarriages like last time.

Surprisingly, the first try worked. I am pregnant, and due in February, a few weeks after I turn 40 and more than a year after I began the process. ES is so excited about his ‘Little Sis’. We are nervous about adding a baby to our family, but we’re also happy, too.

Making an IVF Baby & Access

I simultaneously feel grateful we were able to do IVF to have our babies, and frustrated that I had to use it rather than have kids naturally as it’s a really tough process.

- From January to July, I went to about 25 appointments (which, with driving time, usually took at least 90 minutes).

- I had two procedures that required days off from work and rest.

- I drove 25-minutes each way multiple times to specialty pharmacies to get medicines and refills.

- I had to get two doses of the chicken pox vaccine because my initial blood work showed I was no longer immune to it (despite having chicken pox and shingles as a child).

- I had to go to CVS to get multiple PCR COVID-19 tests along the way.

- From February to July, I was on various medicines (with a break in April) that messed with my mood and body. At one point, I was taking 6 doses of hormones a day, including painful shots.

IVF is time-consuming, intensive, expensive, emotional, and tiring. And yet, as much as I hate the process, I am so grateful for it, because I’d have no children without it. And I’m grateful to the Aspen Institute for giving us the chance of a second baby that we otherwise wouldn’t have had.

I know IVF helps many people like me become parents. And so, I hope that the horrible abortion restrictions do not stop others from being able to do IVF, and I hope that one day every state and company can offer infertility benefits.

If others are struggling with infertility, I am so sorry. It’s hard, whatever stage you’re at. Eventually, I hope you can find a way to form the family you want.